Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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