My hair reeks of homosexuality.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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