Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
