I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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