my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
