Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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