Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
