I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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