How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
