We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
