I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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