Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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