The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
