dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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