im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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