his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
