Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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