I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
