I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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