I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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