I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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