I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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