He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
