I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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