apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
