I'm so fucking centered right now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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