Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
