if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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