Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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