1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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