Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
