I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
