woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
