Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
