fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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