A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I need to sanitize my soul.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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