ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
