my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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