I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Randomize
