Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
