it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
