i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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