eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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