and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
