I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
