GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
