we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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