I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
