sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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