My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
