She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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